What Everyone Should Know About Suicide
A suicide literacy guide from Jay Laughrey and Charlotte Maya: what to say, how to ask, and why it never plants the idea.
If you or someone you know is struggling, call or text 988 to reach the Suicide & Crisis Lifeline. It is free, confidential, and available 24 hours a day.
Underneath their story is a practical guide to talking about suicide, what to say, how to ask, and what actually helps, and it starts the moment they meet.
Two strangers met at a yoga studio. One of them noticed the other's ring, asked about it, and within a few minutes they had discovered the one thing nobody ever wants to have in common. They had each lost someone to suicide.
That is how Jay Laughrey and Charlotte Maya met, and it is where this episode of Success, Rewritten begins. Jay lost his brother and mentor, Jeff in 2009. Charlotte lost her husband, Sam, in 2007, when their sons were six and eight. Both losses happened years ago, which is part of what makes this conversation different. These are not people in the first raw weeks of grief. They are people who have lived a long time inside the aftermath and have learned how to carry it, talk about it, and even find joy alongside it.
This was a group conversation, and an imperfect one by design. As Charlotte, a former attorney and the author of Sushi Tuesdays: A Memoir of Love, Loss, and Family Resilience, puts it, she would "rather have an imperfect conversation" than no conversation at all. Here is what the three of us talked about.
Two strangers, one unspeakable thing in common
The story of how Jay and Charlotte met is almost too fitting. After a yoga class, Jay complimented Charlotte on her ring. She started to tell him its story, which is really the story of remarrying after being widowed. Curious, he asked how her husband had died. When she said suicide, Jay said, "Me too. I lost my brother." They stood outside the locked studio long after everyone else had gone home, crying and laughing and unable to stop talking.
That instant recognition is the heart of this episode. Grief after suicide can be isolating in a way that few other losses are, and finding someone who simply understands can change everything. As Charlotte describes it, when you meet someone who shares this, the filters come off and you connect heart to heart.
Why we don't talk about suicide, and why that has to change
Suicide is one of the leading causes of death in this country, and still we barely talk about it. Charlotte was terrified, in the days after Sam died, that she would be ostracized by her community. What she found instead was the opposite, but the fear itself says a lot about the silence and stigma surrounding suicide.
Language is part of how that silence starts to break. Both guests talk about the shift away from saying someone "committed" suicide, because the word commit carries the connotation of a crime. Suicide is not a crime, Charlotte says. It is a disease. When we talk about it as an illness, we take away some of the stigma and shame, and we open up space for an honest conversation.
What actually helps a grieving family
If you have ever frozen up around someone who is grieving, unsure of what to do, this part of the conversation is worth the whole episode. The lasagna shows up first, both guests agree, and it matters, because in those early days people barely eat. Charlotte calls the baseline "the holy trinity of healing," which is eating, sleeping, and breathing.
Beyond the casseroles, Charlotte offers a piece of advice that reframes how to help anyone in pain. Everybody has a light, she says, something they are uniquely good at, and when someone is suffering, the move is to bring that light. If you cook, cook. If you're organized, get organized on their behalf. One friend showed up with an actual spreadsheet of names, phone numbers, and what each person was good at, and it made Charlotte weep.
The flip side is just as important. "One of the worst things you can do is say, 'Let me know if you need anything,'" Emily notes in the episode, because it puts the burden back on the person least able to carry it. The better approach is to offer something specific. Instead of an open-ended offer, try "I'm going to the store, what can I pick you up?" Don't make a grieving person build you a to-do list.
What really happens when you call 988
A recurring theme in the episode is the 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline, and specifically the fears that keep people from calling. Jay names them directly. "You're not gonna get scooped up and thrown into a padded room," he says. You are not going to get an armed response. As Charlotte adds, "You're getting a human on the other end. And it's not recorded."
Her practical tip is one anyone can act on right now. Put 988 in your phone and save it near the top of your contacts so it is always easy to find. You can call or text. And you do not need to have the perfect words ready, because the call itself can simply be the beginning of a conversation, whether you are struggling yourself or worried about someone in your orbit.
How to ask someone if they're thinking about suicide
One of the most useful and counterintuitive moments in the conversation is about suicide literacy. If your gut tells you someone is off, Charlotte says, trust it and ask them directly. And here is the part most people get wrong: asking someone directly whether they are thinking about suicide does not plant the idea in their head. The research points the other way. Asking shows the person that you are a safe place to hold that conversation.
Emily adds a layer from her work in police de-escalation training. Avoid asking "are you thinking about hurting yourself," because someone who is planning to end their life may honestly answer no. Getting comfortable saying the actual word is what opens the door.
Holding grief and joy at the same time
Because these losses happened nearly 20 years ago, Jay and Charlotte have had time to build full, meaningful lives after loss. Charlotte remarried and now has a blended family of four children and even grandchildren. Jay has seen his niece grow up and graduate, becoming an adult and building a beautiful life for herself. So how do you square a happy life with a loss that never fully heals?
You don't, Charlotte says, and that’s the point. "I can't reconcile these two things," she explains. "So I just hold them both." She will always be sad, and she is also genuinely happy, and the work is not forcing those truths to fit but learning to hold them at once. As she says elsewhere in the episode, the love doesn't end, and the grief doesn't end.
How do you honor someone you lost to suicide?
The warmest stretch of the conversation is about the small, often funny ways they keep their people present. Jay repeats the goofy phrase his brother used to shout after finishing a pool job. Charlotte still greets her late husband's cousin the way Sam always did, and she waves at the cemetery on her way to the Hollywood Bowl. They don't keep the skeletons in the closet, Charlotte says. They put them up above the mantle. Saying their names out loud, silly memories included, turns out to be its own kind of healing.
For Charlotte, this is where meaning finally lands. Suicide, she says, is no different from an undiagnosed cancer or a sudden heart attack. "It just looks uglier from the outside." It is still a disease that took someone they loved. And the way you honor that person, both of them agree, is by living your own life with as much love and joy as you can.
Listen to the full conversation
This is a hard conversation and an important one. If you have lost someone, love someone who is struggling, or have ever wanted to show up for a grieving friend and not known how, this episode will give you language you can use.
Watch or listen to the full episode of Success, Rewritten, and if you want each of their individual stories, watch Jay and Charlotte's one-on-one episodes as well.
Resources: 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline (call or text 988).
Charlotte Maya's memoir, Sushi Tuesdays: A Memoir of Love, Loss, and Family Resilience, is available wherever books are sold.
